Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
