She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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