My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
