Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
