Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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