Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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