Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
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