i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
