oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
