Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
