So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
