someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
how drunk are you?
Several
This couple is walking their pig around campus
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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