great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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