Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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