The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
