At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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