I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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