Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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