The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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