did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
