I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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