took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
