My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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