my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
