the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
It's shark week go big or go home
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
