You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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