there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
