i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
