Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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