Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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