I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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