I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
