My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
