Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
wanna go halves on a baby?
What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
