sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
