At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
