A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
