got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
