By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
