Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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