her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
she smelled like a LAN party
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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