On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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