You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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