Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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