Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
