Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
