Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
