we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
