Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
