Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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