I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
