we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
