Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
