I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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