grandma shit on top of the toilet
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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